When You Wish Upon Astor

"When you wish upon Astor
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you"

Unless, that is, your heart desires the 50,000 dollars you were promised. Then it really does matter who you are. Because if you were a personal employee of the deceased Astor, then Anthony Marshall, Brooke Astor's son who was indicted in November on charges of fraud and grand larceny for allegedly stealing millions from his mother's estate, is doing everything he can to make sure your wish will not come to you:

Employees say Mrs. Astor, widow to the wealthy Vincent Astor, was a woman of her word who looked after her staff of about two dozen people. In a series of wills, she set aside cash for about a dozen employees she listed by name, a sum that reached $230,000 by 2001.

Well, can you blame Marshall? $230,000 is a lot of green. More green than was ever cut by Astor's gardeners... Oh wait, I forgot. Astor's will left a $132 million estate! Man, Marshall sure is a douche, and his own son agrees:

"Her secretaries, gardeners, drivers and maids are the unsung heroes in her life," says her grandson, Philip Marshall, Anthony Marshall's son. "She would be mortified to know that they were left out in the cold."

Unsung, eh? I can't blame her employees. After seeing how false Jiminy Cricket's lyrics turned out to be, I'd quit the choir too.

[Wall Street Journal]

The Astor Theatre Show Must Go On

Did you hear what happened to Anthony this week? It turns out that Anthony was in cohoots the whole time with his mother's lawyer as part of a plot to swindle money out of her.

Brooke Astor’s son and one of her former lawyers have been indicted on criminal charges stemming from the stewardship of her financial affairs and the handling of her will, according to people who have been briefed on the situation. Her son, Anthony D. Marshall, 83, and the lawyer, Francis X. Morrissey Jr., have been told to surrender to authorities on Tuesday morning, according to those briefed.

Prosecutors had been exploring, among other issues, whether Mrs. Astor was subject to undue influence related to millions of dollars in money and property transfers in the last several years that benefited Mr. Marshall, who had his mother’s power of attorney. The prosecutors have also been examining whether those transactions were in the best interest of Mrs. Astor or if they were larcenous.

Will Anthony cop a plea at the last minute? If not, how many years in prison will he be sentenced to? Or will Mr. Morissey come clean? These questions and more will be answered tomorrow, at the courthouse.

[New York Times]

TWID - Independence Day Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from the game of pool! We've set up the balls in the rack and chalked up the cues. Join us as we go solids versus stripes, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be a Fats Domino-like death pool competitor. Watch out for the 8-Ball, like death... it's an end. Unlike death, it doesn't give you any points.

Health is a wonderful thing. Health is a really good thing. Get off your ealth, let's do some health...

More Cowbell Reduces Fever. Healthy Enough Not to Be in Gold Plated Diapers
Former first lady Lady Bird Johnson, 94, left an Austin, Texas, hospital on Thursday following six days of tests and observation. The widow of late President Lyndon Johnson was suffering from a low-grade fever when she was admitted on June 22 to Seton Medical Center in Austin.
http://www.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUSN2831205320070628

A Big No No: Zsa Zsa Has Boo Boo
During Friday's hearing, Zsa Zsa Gabor was absent due to a leg infection. It occurred when she slipped and fell while trying to get out of bed without assistance. "She has got a strong antibiotic for the infection," says Prince Frederic. "We hope the infection is going to go away. If it doesn't, she has to go to the hospital."
http://www.etonline.com/celebrities/news/48817/

Bush's Christmas List: I Wanna Pony, a Nintendo Wii, and the Death of a Dictator

President Bush on Thursday openly anticipated the death of ailing Cuban President Fidel Castro, picturing it as an opportunity to bring freedom to the Caribbean island after nearly half a century of iron-fisted rule by the fiery communist leader."One day, the good Lord will take Fidel Castro away," Bush said.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/06/28/AR2007062801321.html?hpid=moreheadlines

The Second Line on the Headstone is "Until I Turned 90. Being Old Sucks."
When Brooke Astor dies, she wants the world to know "I had a wonderful life." The 105-year-old doyenne of New York society has chosen those words for her headstone, according to a published report. Astor is in frail but stable health, people who have seen her told the Daily News yesterday.
http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2007/06/25/2007-06-25_socialite_astors_wonderful_life_is_set_i.html

Until death do us part...

Claiborne Unveils New Flat Line

Liz Claiborne, founder of the fashion house that bears her name, died today at the age of 78. Claiborne, who retired from the day-to-day operations in 1989, founded the fashion house in 1976. The goal was to create a collection of fashions aimed at the growing number of women entering the workforce.
http://cbs2.com/topstories/topstories_story_178145336.html

Siegel Gives Death Two Thumbs Down
Surrounded by family and friends, ABC's beaming and insightful movie critic Joel Siegel has died in New York, after a long and remarkably courageous struggle with cancer, at the age of 63.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3324632&page=1

Survived American Hurls: Atomic or Otherwise
Former Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa, whose career stretched from Japan's defeat in World War II through the 1990s "lost decade" of economic stagnation, died on Thursday at the age of 87, his office said. For some, Miyazawa's most enduring image was captured in 1992 when he cradled the head of U.S. President George Bush in his lap after Bush collapsed at a state banquet in Tokyo.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070628/wl_nm/japan_miyazawa_death_dc_2

Everyone Mourned because They Assumed They Were Supposed to Get the Sadness

J.B. Handelsman, who applied his dry wit to subjects ranging from politics to popular culture while creating nearly 1,000 New Yorker magazine cartoons, has died of lung cancer. Handelsman, 85, died June 20 at his home in Southampton, N.Y., The New Yorker said Tuesday.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2007-06-26-handelsman_N.htm

With the coming of July we have reached the halfway point of the Death Pool. In the immortal (no pun intended. Screw it. Pun very much intended.) word of John Bon Jovi "Whoooooooooooooooa we're halfway there, whooooooooooooooa living on a prayer." A prayer of health, death notices, and scoring updates. In honor of the halfway point, we reproduce for you: The Full Standings.

1. El Esta Adead- 66 points (5 deaths)
2. The Ex-Parrots- 58.5 points (5 deaths)
3. Yiz-score- 50 points (3 deaths)
4. Die Hard- 46 points (3 deaths)
5. Av S. is My Hero- 41 points (3 deaths)
6. Go to Hell- 37.5 points (3 deaths)
7. Future Corpses of America- 35 points (2 deaths)
8. Mine are the Deadest- 28.5 points (3 deaths)
9. Life's a Bitch- 25 points (2 deaths)
10. Hey Hey Hey Goodbye- 21 (2 deaths)
11. Beating a Dead Horse- 20 points (1 death)
11. Fatal Swimming Pool- 20 points (1 death)
13. Hagler's Picks - 15 points (1 death)
13. Kraut's Picks- 15 points (1 death)
13. Struck Down by Yahweh- 15 points (1 death)
13. The Death Eaters- 15 points (1 death)
17. Grave Danger- 13.5 points (2 deaths)
18. The Morgue the Merrier- 6 points (1 death)
18. Death is Funny- 6 points (1 death)
18. The Deathtrum- 6 points (1 death)
21. Satan's Waiting Room- 0 points
21. Grateful I'm not Dead- 0 points
21. No Research, Just Guts- 0 points
21. Hagler's Rolls- 0 points
21. Achrei Mos Kedoshim Emor- 0 points
21. Do not Resuscitate- 0 points
21. The Rev. Isaac Bruce- 0 points
21. My Twenty People- 0 points
21. The Tomb Raiders- 0 points
21. Anybody But Me- 0 points

Second Half Projections? Double Your Current Score.

That's Death. Taxes also a guarantee...

The Commissioner's Council

TWID - April Fool's Edition

Death Pool 2007 has concluded it's first annual March of the Living. And what a trip it has been. That's right, one month; zero deaths. For those scoring at home - it's March 1, Death 0. On to the highlights...

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

Now, a little Health for you...

I Hope He is Also Being Merry, for Tomorrow He May Die
Argentine soccer hero Diego Maradona is being treated in a hospital in Buenos Aires for alcoholism and excessive eating and smoking.
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/320104,CST-SPT-swire30.article

Shwe Doesn't Sway; Stands Strong and Healthy
Although he has been suffering from an undisclosed form of ill health, Than Shwe stood steady and straight for almost an hour in the glaring morning sun as he spoke to about 500 invited dignitaries, diplomats and journalists.
http://www.chinapost.com.tw/latestnews/2007327/45112.htm

Brooke Astor Turns 105; Sleeps in Room Filled with Cotton Balls
"It is an amazing event," Mr. Kissinger said of Mrs. Astor's birthday. Over all, he said, "the major objective right now is to make sure that she is as comfortable as possible."
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/30/nyregion/30astor.html?_r=1&ref=nyregion&oref=slogin

In the spirit of the Ten Plagues, some Death...

He Was an Expert in Baseball and Carneal Knowledge
Hall of Fame broadcaster Herb Carneal, whose fluid and smooth baritone narrated Minnesota Twins games for the past 45 seasons, died Sunday morning of congestive heart failure.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2821291

Coleman Takes on New Persona as "Jewish Dead Guy"
Abe Coleman, 101, a Polish-born professional wrestler promoted as the "Hebrew Hercules" and "Jewish Tarzan" and credited in the 1930s with popularizing the drop-kick move, likened to a flying kick in the jaw, died March 28.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/29/AR2007032902249.html

And the Heels Lost in the Tournament; Terrible Week for Ray.
Jason Ray, a North Carolina student who performed as a mascot for the school's basketball team, died three days after being struck by a car hours before an NCAA Tournament game. He was 21.
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/ncaatourney07/news/story?id=2813005

A Happy Passover to All. And in "kol dichfin yeysay v'yachol" style, All who are healthy, let them come and die.

We Remain,
The Commissioner's Council