Happy Birthday to Two People Who Are Genuinely Fat; Not Just Called Fat

For some reason we have some sort of fascination with stories of people who are dead and remain unburied, so here's one more for your reading enjoyment.

Once again this has nothing to do with the people whose birthdays we are celebrating, save for the fact that they are one year closer to being that rotting corpse.

Today is somebody's Birthday! Whose Birthday? Former Prime Minister of Israel Ariel Sharon's Birthday. How Old Is He? 1,2,3,4... 80! And Never been Kissed By... Death

Ariel Sharon's name appears on 7 Death Pool rosters

• Sharon has been widowed twice. Shortly after becoming a military instructor, he married his first wife, Margalit, with whom he had a son, Gur. Margalit died in a car accident in May 1962. Their son, Gur, died in October 1967 after a friend shot him while they were playing with a rifle. After Margalit's death, Sharon married her younger sister, Lily. They had two sons, Omri and Gil'ad. Lily Sharon died of cancer in 2000.

With a family history like that, you have to be surprised he's survived in a vegetative state for more than 2 years.

Today is somebody else's Birthday! Whose Birthday? Actress Elizabeth Taylor's Birthday. How Old Is She? 1,2,3,4... 76! And Never been Kissed By... Death

Elizabeth Taylor's name appears on "I Am Ready to Meet My Maker's", "A Time to Kill's", "The South Shall Rise (from the Grave) Again's", and "Do Not Resuscitate's" rosters

• In the early 1980s she moved to Bel-Air, which is her current home. The fenced and gated property is on tour maps sold at street corners and is frequently passed by tour guides.
  

Does this make her the "Fresh Princess of Bel-Air?"

... And Many More!

Ariel Sharon is Half Man, Half Machine

The Associated Press allowed readers to send questions in to their writers hoping to learn more about big news stories. What was left unanswered by their news coverage, the AP filled in with a quick round of Q and A. Naturally, since the AP is the ultimate source when it comes to matters of celebrity life and death, one reader took this opportunity to ask about Ariel Sharon and his heath status.

Steven Gutkin, Chief of Bureau, AP Jerusalem, replied:

The 79-year-old former Israeli prime minister has been in a coma since his massive stroke on Jan. 4, 2006. He breathes on his own — unconnected to machines — and receives nourishment via a feeding tube. Medical staff move him around to maintain circulation and avoid bed sores. His eyes are often open. Family members are often by his side.

A close confidante of Sharon's says the former leader's vital signs are near perfect — an indication he could go on for a while in his current state. He is not expected to regain consciousness. AP staffers periodically check with family members, doctors and former aides for updates on Sharon's health.

Ariel's family just wants him to wake up. Up where they walk. Up where they run. Up where they stay all day in the sun. A part of that world.

[AP]

George Bush and Ariel Sharon Have their Brokeback Moment

Personally, I think there are better reasons to visit Israel (NSFW), but during President Bush's visit to Israel yesterday he met privately with Omri and Gilad Sharon, sons of former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. Sharon suffered a massive stroke over two years ago, and has been in a coma since:

"It was like closing a circle," said Raanan Gissin, a former adviser to the 79-year-old former Israeli leader. "It was a tribute to a comrade-in-arms and from one cowboy to another -- one rancher to another."

There you have it: Ariel Sharon. One more cowboy who is not focused on beating the Giants this Sunday.

[Star Tribune]

Pervez's Situation Getting Musha-Rough

"Can Musharraf survive turmoil from Bhutto death?" Newsday's words, not ours. Do they mean politically? Do they mean physically? There's no way to know. I think it is fair to assume that he is in physical danger from this whole Bhutto Bomb.

How so, you ask?

Good question. We have to learn lessons from death pool past....

1. Deathpool 44: Roman Leader Julius Caesar does not beware ides or daggers and is killed by his advisors. VI points to "All Hell Caesar" and "Rome wasn't Killed in a Day" The trend: Et tu Brute; things get brutal at the top.
2. Deathpool 1793: Louis XVI is executed ending absolute monarchy in France. 14 points to "Let Them Eat Dead" for the solo shot. The trend: Don't Listen to Mel Brooks; It's not always good to be the king.
3. Deathpool 1968: Robert Kennedy is assassinated only two months after Martin Luther King is assassinated. 4.12 points each to "Plain Wood-stock Coffin," "Dead Kennedys," and "Are you trying to Se-dead me, Mrs. Robinson?" The trend: Assassination Proliferation; Assassination anywhere is a threat to life everywhere.
4. Deathpool 2006: Ariel Sharon has a massive stroke placing him in a coma that he is still in today. No points to "Milk was a Bad Choice" or "Club Dead", The trend: The "Fat Bastard" Rule; I eat cause I am stressed, and I'm stressed cause I eat.

Musharraf has a lot to be concerned about... I just hope that the president of Pakistan reads this blog on a regular basis.

TWID - Dog Days of August Edition

Seldom a day late but never a dollar short, This Week in Death brings you: An ocean of news rivaled only by the Midwest floods in volume. Don't worry, we promise not to flood your basement, only your inbox. Take one more trip with us down to the beach. For the last week of summer, get those floaties and beach balls inflated and your swim trunks on. Don't forget to bring a towel! Last one in is a rotting corpse!

" Life is for Living," says Coldplay. "Health is for Updates" says TWID...

Graham's Golden Ages Crumbling, Can Soon Ask God "How Do You Cram All That Me?"
Evangelist Billy Graham experienced a third intestinal bleed Wednesday, but doctors say he remains in fair condition. Physicians plan more definitive tests to determine the cause and source of the bleeds. Graham, 88, has been hospitalized since an initial bleed Saturday.Graham, who suffers from a variety of ailments including Parkinson's disease and age-related macular degeneration, has been largely confined to his home in recent years.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,294136,00.html

Pavaroti Departs Modena, Too Sick to Journey to Mecca?
Ailing Italian opera star Luciano Pavarotti has been discharged from hospital in northern Modena where he was admitted more than two weeks ago with a fever, the hospital said on Saturday. Pavarotti will "be able to continue to convalesce in the serenity of his family surroundings, where he can count on the close collaboration of the doctors of the Department of Oncology and Haematology," it said.
http://www.news24.com/News24/Entertainment/Celebrities/0,,2-1225-2108_2171113,00.html

Castro joins Tupac, Biggie, and Cobain as (Possibly) Posthumous Publisher
Fidel Castro signed a lengthy essay published Sunday saluting a Cuban political figure but the 81-year-old gave no hint of how he is feeling, even amid rampant rumors of his death. Castro has not been seen in public in over a year and has not even appeared in official photographs or video footage since taping an interview with Cuban state television June 5.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/08/26/cuba.castro.ap/index.html

Is it Because We Suck at Soccer?
Former Argentine soccer star Diego Maradona on Sunday said he hates the United States "with all my strength" during an appearance on Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez's weekly television show. The leftist soccer legend, like the fiercely anti-U.S. Chavez, is a close ally of Cuba's Fidel Castro.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/19/AR2007081900996.html

Comatose Sharon: "Consider me an Object;" No Word on if He'll be Hanging Upside Down or Where he Will Swing
Former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon remains comatose and attached to a respirator nearly two years after a devastating stroke, a spokesman for Sheba Medical Center near Tel Aviv said Sunday. "There is no change in his condition," hospital spokesman David Weinberg said. Sharon, 79, was transferred to Sheba's long-term respiratory rehabilitation unit in July 2006 from Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, which treated him after his stroke in January of that year.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/26/AR2007082600527.html

"Death is Point(s)less"...

Griffin's Crash Scene More Gruesome to Watch than Deuce Bigalow - Norbit Double Feature
Former Minnesota Timberwolves forward Eddie Griffin died last week when his sport utility vehicle collided with a freight train in a fiery crash, the Harris County medical examiner's office said Tuesday. Investigators used dental records to identify Griffin, 25, who was waived by the Timberwolves in March."The cause of death and manner of death, which also includes toxicology results, is pending," said Beverly Begay, chief investigator for the Harris County Medical Examiner's office.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2985307

Too Many Brewskies for Brewster, Too Much Live for His Liver
Daniel Baugh Brewster, 83, a decorated Marine Corps veteran and former Democratic U.S. senator from Maryland whose career was shadowed by alcoholism and a charge of accepting an illegal gratuity, died Aug. 19 of liver cancer at his home in Owings Mills, Md. "He served his country in war and in peace. Although brought low by alcoholism, he overcame that illness to lead a successful and productive life," Steny Hoyer said in a statement.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/20/AR2007082001813.html

A TWID Haiku: Beloved Poet, And World Famous Novelist. Say Goodnight Gracie.
Poet and short story writer Grace Paley, a literary eminence and old-fashioned rebel who described herself as a "combative pacifist," has died. She was 84. A published writer since the 1950s, Paley released only a handful of books over the next half century, mostly short stories and poems. Her fiction, although highly praised, competed for time with work, activism, family and friends. "None of it happened, and yet every word of it is true," she once said of her fiction.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/08/23/obit.paley.ap/

This is the Sound of Settling: Death Cab for Betty
Betty Matas, the Queens woman who made national headlines in April when she and her husband took a cross-country taxi ride to their new retirement home in Sedona, Ariz., died on Monday in Cottonwood, Ariz. She was 75. Betty and Bob Matas hired a New York cabdriver, Douglas Guldeniz, to drive them the 2,500 miles to Sedona to spare their two cats a trip in an airplane cargo hold. Both of the Matases had spent their lives in the New York area, and neither had ever learned to drive.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/23/nyregion/23matas.html

"Go Sox Go, Go Sox Go! Hey Chicago What Do You Say? Sox are Gonna Die Today!"
Charles Albert "Chuck" Comiskey II, grandson and namesake of the Chicago White Sox founder and a former front-office executive and co-owner during the "Go Go Sox" years in the 1950s, has died. He was 81. While his family name is one of the best-known in Chicago sports history, Comiskey left his own mark in helping to successfully remake the team en route to its first American League pennant in 40 years in 1959.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2993932


This Week Was Somebody's Birthday! Whose Birthday? Some Death Pool Entrants' Birthdays. How Old Are They? 1,2,3... And Never been Kissed By... Death

Happy Birthday to:
August 22: Ray Bradbury (87)
August 25: Sean Connery (77)
August 25: Van Johnson (91)
... And Many More!!!!!!!!

Back by popular demand, the Commissioner's Council proudly brings you "Skinny Dipping," a weekly glance at some of the goings-on in the Pool. Columns will feature a more in-depth look at some of the squads and picks. To comment on this feature, or suggest an idea for "Skinny Dipping," feel free to send an email our way.

Every week, TWID publishes the Top 5 leaders in the standings. Two numbers are listed alongside the team names: the points total, and the number of deaths recorded to date. While the winner of the pool is obviously the one who scores the most points, picking a high number of deaths should certainly be acknowledged. To date, Kraut's Picks, currently 3rd in points, has the highest number of points deaths, with 7. Following him with 6 deaths each are points leader El Esta Adead , Go to Hell (7th in points), Life's a Bitch (8th), and Mine are the Deadest (12th). That's right - the 1st-place team and 12th-place team have recorded the same amount of deaths. The difference is El Esta Adead's deaths include one solo shot for 20 and a pair of 15-pointers. Mine are the Deadest's largest score was 15, and the next-highest score was 7.5. Meanwhile a pair of teams with 4 deaths recorded are 4th and 5th in the standings. Points per death, as determined by popularity of the pick, obviously plays a huge role in the standings, something worth thinking about as DP 2007 heads into the fall stretch and DP 2008 preparations begin.

No points deaths this week means no change in the Top 5, who remain...

1. El Esta Adead - 76 points (6 deaths)
2. The Ex-Parrots - 58.5 points (5 deaths)
3. Kraut's Picks - 57.1 points (7 deaths)
4. Yiz-score - 54.3 points (4 deaths)
5. Die Hard - 46 points (4 deaths)


Will people continue to die? Will TWID continue to come up with funny headlines for them??? Tune in next week — same Death-time, same Death-channel!
The Commissioner's Council

TWID - Jackie Robinson Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor

We thought about changing all the headlines to "42," but instead we will say: Rest in Peace Barry Nelson. We hardly knew ye. Send Jackie our Best. These people, however, are alive. For Now.

Successfully Fords the River; Morale is High
Former First Lady Betty Ford is back home recovering from an unspecified minor surgery she had at Eisenhower Medical Center last week. "Mrs. Ford is resting comfortably at her home," a statement issued Monday by her office read. "She is recovering well."
http://www.thedesertsun.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070410/NEWS01/704100314/1006

Maradona Proving to be a Much More Unhealthy Diego than San
Diego Maradona has been readmitted to hospital after suffering a relapse following his recent health scare. The former Argentina captain left the hospital after two weeks' treatment for hepatitis brought on by an overindulgence in alcohol, cigars and food. However, he was rushed to the hospital in the early hours of Friday morning after suffering severe stomach pains.
http://www.metro.co.uk/sport/football/article.html?in_article_id=45174&in_page_id=43

Johnson to Pull a Costanza
Sen. Tim Johnson's Washington office is being made wheelchair-accessible in preparation for his return from rehabilitation for a brain hemorrhage. When he does return, Johnson is expected to use an electric scooter to get around. Capitol workers are widening aisles and doorways in his office, as well as the area around his desk, and Johnson's personal bathroom will be refurbished to make it easier for the senator to use.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,265543,00.html

There are No Big Comatoses and Little Comatoses. There are no Degrees of Comatose
An Israeli TV station reported late Thursday that there has been a slight improvement in former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's condition. Sharon turned 79 last month, the second birthday he has passed while unconscious. Doctors have said for months that Sharon is not expected to recover.
http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/04/12/africa/ME-GEN-Israel-Sharon.php

Losers Whine About their Best; Winners Go Home and Don't have Throat Cancer
Sean Connery has completed annual medical tests for potential throat cancer, and the Sunday Mail reports the beloved actor is "feeling fine." The Sunday Mail reports that Connery's brother in Scotland "also suffers from the condition and their father died from throat cancer at the age of 69."
http://people.monstersandcritics.com/news/article_1291746.php/Sean_Connery_checked_out_for_throat_cancer

There's no Headline; We Just Really Like His Daughter's Name
John Wooden was unable to leave the hospital Thursday because of a slightly elevated heart rate, his daughter Nan Muehlhausen said. Wooden was hospitalized Sunday after a bad reaction to a combination of medications.
http://www.dailynews.com/sports/ci_5656502

And now... it's Adam Carolla, playing the role of "Death"

Vonnegut Gone a Bit; He was a Funny Guest on the Daily Show
Kurt Vonnegut, whose absurdist visions and cynical outlook infused such books as "Slaughterhouse-Five" and "Cat's Cradle," has died. He was 84. Vonnegut had been hospitalized for several weeks after suffering brain injuries following a fall at his East Side Manhattan home.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/04/12/obit.vonnegut/index.html

Bad Week for Hos, Nappy Haired or Otherwise
Legendary crooner Don Ho, who entertained tourists for decades wearing raspberry-tinted sunglasses and singing the catchy signature tune "Tiny Bubbles," has died. He was 76.
http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/04/14/ap3613007.html

He Brought us Danny Devito and Tony Danza; He Sort of Had it Coming
Stan Daniels, an Emmy-winning TV writer and producer who worked on two of the most acclaimed comedies of the 1970s, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "Taxi," has died. He was 72.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/04/11/obit.daniels.ap/index.html

He Let His Fingers Do More Than the Walking
Ed Charon, 71, a Christian pastor who attracted a degree of celebrity for his record-setting ability to rip apart dozens of 1,000-page telephone books within minutes, died April 8 at a hospital near his home in Sutherlin, Ore. He had an apparent heart attack. Rev. Charon achieved his fifth Guinness World Record last year when he halved 56 Portland, Ore., phone directories in three minutes. He trained fiercely, tearing at his peak more than 100 phone books a day to stay in shape.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/10/AR2007041001689.html

This year better have the best May Flowers of all time...

The Commissioner's Council

TWID - Groundhog Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be a Syms-like educated death pool competitor.

It's been a wild week in death. Goodbye Marcheline Bertrand, Sidney Sheldon, Gian Carlo Menotti. We hope Elton John writes a song about you. Your candle burned out long ago, their legend never did.

He is also Going to Start Rolling his Weed in Parchment Paper

Keith Richards has taken a health conscious move - he has started drinking organic vodka. The Rolling Stones rocker, who is renowned for his drink and drug use, was encouraged to go organic by bandmate Ronnie Wood's wife, Jo Wood.

http://www.lse.co.uk/ShowbizNews.asp?Code=WN266922W&headline=keiths_organic_tipple

Farrakhan Fare of Health

Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan has been released from a hospital and is expected to speak Feb. 25 in Detroit in what could be his last major public address.

http://www.philly.com/mld/dailynews/news/nation/16585477.htm

Fidel Healthy Enough to Play Field (The Joke is that Fidel and Field are Anagrams)

Cubans lined up Wednesday to buy official newspapers featuring photographs of a stronger-looking Fidel Castro, with the communist government eager to show he is recovering after a half-year out of power.

http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/01/31/news/CB-GEN-Cuba-Castro.php

Six-ty And Sick-Free!

Farrah Fawcett got an unbeatable gift for her 60th birthday: a clean bill of health. The actress, who revealed in October that she was fighting cancer, learned this week that she is cancer-free, spokesman Mike Pingel said Friday.

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/breaking_news/16608877.htm

Happy Birthday to Sharon's Coma... And You Smell Like One Too

The family of Ariel Sharon has said it believes the former Israeli prime minister will emerge from his coma and return to health as its vigil by his hospital bed reached its first anniversary.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/family-keeps-hope-alive-at-sharons-bedside/2007/01/04/1167777216374.html

Finally, a Reason to Watch the Super Bowl

Sunday's pregame show will be for more than six hours, beginning at 10 a.m. with the traditional Road to the Super Bowl, a detailed highlight film of the 2006 season. Also scheduled is a report on Bill Walsh and his current health struggles.

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/spotlight_columnists/article/0,2777,DRMN_23962_5323217,00.html

It's a Shame No One Can Help him Commit Suicide

Kevorkian is 78 and reportedly suffers from a number of health ailments, including diabetes, hepatitis C, vertigo, high blood pressure and hardening of the arteries.

http://www.lifenews.com/bio1969.html

Long Live the King!

B.B. King's ill is gone. The 81-year-old bluesman was released from a Galveston, Texas hospital Saturday where he was admitted on Thursday for flu-like symptoms, including a low-grade fever. After a round of antibiotics, King was back to his old self and feeling fabulous, according to a spokeswoman for his management agency.

http://www.infoabouthollywood.com/view/news/2176/

And Now, a few notable, albeit point-less deaths

Ned Ryerson: "You Know Who Died? BING!"

Bing Devine, the St. Louis general manager who helped build Cardinals teams that won three National League pennants and two World Series in the 1960s, died Saturday. He was 90.

Who Knows seven? I know seven! Seven are the deaths in Death Pool...

Fondly,

The Commissioner's Council