Monday, April 30, 2007

TWID - International Dance Day Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

We at TWID are pro health-care. That's correct, we care about health...

He Lives Downstairs and It's Understood.... Castro in Charge of Me!
President Hugo Chavez said Sunday his friend and political ally Fidel Castro is "in charge" again nearly nine months after undergoing intestinal surgery. The Cuban leader has not been seen in public since before July 31, when he announced he had undergone surgery and provisionally ceded power to his younger brother Raul.
[CBS 4]

Not Simply a Lean Mean Gryllsing Machine

Bear Grylls has been plagued with back pain for over ten years - for which he only recently found an effective treatment. More worryingly, he also suffers from high levels of cholesterol, caused by a genetic disease which killed his father and grandfather - and which poses as much of a danger to him as his Boys' Own exploits.
[Daily Mail]

The Best bin Laden Plans of Mice and Men
A Taliban military commander says Osama bin Laden helped plan the deadly suicide car bombing outside Bagram Air Base targeting a "very important American official," apparently referring to Vice President Dick Cheney. Referring to bin Laden, Dadullah told the Arab-language network al-Jazeera, "Praise be to God he is still alive, and we have information about him and praise be to God he orchestrates plans in both Iraq and Afghanistan.

symbolizes? Death.

He Picked Avis, but God Still Picked Him Up

Warren E. Avis, a Michigan car dealership owner who, frustrated at waiting for taxis outside airports, founded a chain of car rental agencies and turned it into the nation's second biggest, died yesterday at his home in Ann Arbor, Mich. He was 92.
[New York Times]

... It's HERBIE Hancock

Josh Hancock, a relief pitcher who helped the team win the World Series last season, died early Sunday when his sport utility vehicle slammed into the back of a tow truck. "There's a big hole that's going to be there," St. Louis manager Tony La Russa said. "This is brutal to go through."

Valenti's Death was Rated R for Strong Violent Content and Disturbing Images

Jack Valenti was not just Hollywood's top lobbyist. He was one of its biggest stars. The 85-year-old Valenti, who died Thursday of complications from a stroke in March, led the movie industry out of the prudishness of old Hollywood and into an age of freer expression with the creation of the film rating system that has endured nearly 40 years.
[Seattle Post-Intelligencer]

He Doesn't Do the Monster Mash; Ipso Facto It is Not a Smash

Bobby "Boris" Pickett, whose dead-on Boris Karloff impression propelled the Halloween anthem to the top of the charts in 1962, making him one of pop music's most enduring one-hit wonders, has died of leukemia. He was 69.

Pulitzer Prize Possessor Painfully Pulverized

Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author David Halberstam has died in a car accident in Menlo Park, California, near San Francisco, the San Mateo County coroner's office said Monday. The driver is a student at the Graduate School of Journalism at the University of California, Berkeley, where Halberstam had spoken Saturday about the craft of journalism, the Associated Press reported.

He was an Oscar Mayer Wiener and Everyone was in Love with Him

Harold Max Mayer, former chairman of Oscar Mayer and Company, who helped oversee the company's sale in 1981, died Friday at his home here. He was 90. He died in his sleep, according to Donnellan Family Funeral Services.
[New York Times]

Oh... What a Feeling, When We're Dying on the Ceiling

The Commissioner's Council

Monday, April 23, 2007

TWID - 4:20 Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

Fare thee well, Kitty Carlisle Hart. You were a champion of the arts in your life, and you gave in death as well... gave points; points to death pool competitors. Thank you for caring.

As always, priorities straight... Health!

One More Win for Wooden; Legacy Still Alive
John Wooden is resting at home after being released from a hospital. The 96-year-old former UCLA coach had been hospitalized since Sunday. Wooden's daughter reported he is "doing well" and he is thankful for people's thoughts, prayers, cards and notes.

If the Article's Picture is not Lying, Maradona Needs to Quit More than Drinking
Argentine football player Diego Maradona has been transferred from hospital to a private psychiatric clinic in Buenos Aires for treatment for alcoholism. Maradona has spent much of the past month in hospital with acute toxic hepatitis related to alcohol abuse.
[TLT News]

Putting the Ah Man to Ahmadinejad; Assassination Necessary Claims Amit
Western countries must unite in an effort to assassinate Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, former head of the Mossad Meir Amit said on Wednesday night. "Even though in the past I have been opposed to assassinating Arab leaders, this case is different because it alone is the center of the nuclear issue."
[Jerusalem Post]

Knievel Kleaving to Kristianity; Evel no Longer Evil
Former motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel recently took a leap of faith. Knievel spoke for about 20 minutes to more than 4,000 people who gathered inside the Crystal Cathedral for services on April 1, telling them how he'd been a sinner all his life and now things had changed.
Schuller said Knievel had called him a couple of weeks earlier, telling him, "Dr. Schuller, I've accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior."
[Billings Gazette]

Still a Biggs Tossup. Would you Rather be the Biggs in a Vegetative State or the Biggs who is IN a Vegetative State?
Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs has been told he will freed in Three years. But his lawyer believes the frail 77-year-old crook has only months to live anyway. "I'm very grateful to the Home Office for giving us this concession. But it's very likely Ronnie Biggs will die in jail long before that. He cannot walk, talk, eat or go to the toilet. He is in a vegetative state."

And, Death; Dumb, Points-less death...

Yeltsin Goes the Way of Communism; Nation and Natasha Mourn Boris
Former President Boris Yeltsin, who engineered the final collapse of the Soviet Union and pushed Russia to embrace democracy and a market economy, has died, a Kremlin official said Monday. He was 76.

In the Movie Version She will be Known as Juanita Millender-McDowell
Rep. Juanita Millender-McDonald, a seven-term congresswoman from southern California, died late Saturday of cancer. Millender-McDonald, who was 68, died at her home in Carson, California. The congresswoman had asked for a four- to six-week leave of absence from the House last week to deal with her illness.

Walton Rolled Back; Bouncing Yellow Smiley Face Still at Large
Helen Robson Walton, widow of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, died Thursday evening at her home, the company said in a news release. She was 87. Walton was surrounded by family members when she died of natural causes, the company said. "We are so proud of our mother and the life she led," said Rob Walton, eldest son of Sam and Helen Walton and chairman of Wal-Mart Stores Inc.

Moose Passes. Midge to Lead Procession Past Chocklit Shoppe
Harry "Moose" Miller, who played in the first game in NBA history, passed away Wednesday night, according to the National Basketball Retired Players Association. He was 83. He died Wednesday in Latrobe, Pa. from kidney failure, according to the association.

Parry, Parry, Thrust, Thrust, Good! O'Brien Dies, Rumored to be of Iocaine Powder
Parry O'Brien, who revolutionized shot-putting technique, won three Olympic medals (two gold) and became the first man to reach 59, 60, 61, 62 and 63 feet, died Saturday during a masters swimming race in Santa Clarita, Calif. He was 75 and lived in Rancho Belago, Calif., west of Palm Springs.
[New York Times]

Have a health or death tip? Have a thought to share about TWID? Want to compliment the font choice for the upcoming words "The Commissioner's Council?" Don't forget - our hotline is always open at Representatives are standing by...

The Commissioner's Council

Monday, April 16, 2007

TWID - Jackie Robinson Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor

We thought about changing all the headlines to "42," but instead we will say: Rest in Peace Barry Nelson. We hardly knew ye. Send Jackie our Best. These people, however, are alive. For Now.

Successfully Fords the River; Morale is High
Former First Lady Betty Ford is back home recovering from an unspecified minor surgery she had at Eisenhower Medical Center last week. "Mrs. Ford is resting comfortably at her home," a statement issued Monday by her office read. "She is recovering well."

Maradona Proving to be a Much More Unhealthy Diego than San
Diego Maradona has been readmitted to hospital after suffering a relapse following his recent health scare. The former Argentina captain left the hospital after two weeks' treatment for hepatitis brought on by an overindulgence in alcohol, cigars and food. However, he was rushed to the hospital in the early hours of Friday morning after suffering severe stomach pains.

Johnson to Pull a Costanza
Sen. Tim Johnson's Washington office is being made wheelchair-accessible in preparation for his return from rehabilitation for a brain hemorrhage. When he does return, Johnson is expected to use an electric scooter to get around. Capitol workers are widening aisles and doorways in his office, as well as the area around his desk, and Johnson's personal bathroom will be refurbished to make it easier for the senator to use.,2933,265543,00.html

There are No Big Comatoses and Little Comatoses. There are no Degrees of Comatose
An Israeli TV station reported late Thursday that there has been a slight improvement in former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's condition. Sharon turned 79 last month, the second birthday he has passed while unconscious. Doctors have said for months that Sharon is not expected to recover.

Losers Whine About their Best; Winners Go Home and Don't have Throat Cancer
Sean Connery has completed annual medical tests for potential throat cancer, and the Sunday Mail reports the beloved actor is "feeling fine." The Sunday Mail reports that Connery's brother in Scotland "also suffers from the condition and their father died from throat cancer at the age of 69."

There's no Headline; We Just Really Like His Daughter's Name
John Wooden was unable to leave the hospital Thursday because of a slightly elevated heart rate, his daughter Nan Muehlhausen said. Wooden was hospitalized Sunday after a bad reaction to a combination of medications.

And now... it's Adam Carolla, playing the role of "Death"

Vonnegut Gone a Bit; He was a Funny Guest on the Daily Show
Kurt Vonnegut, whose absurdist visions and cynical outlook infused such books as "Slaughterhouse-Five" and "Cat's Cradle," has died. He was 84. Vonnegut had been hospitalized for several weeks after suffering brain injuries following a fall at his East Side Manhattan home.

Bad Week for Hos, Nappy Haired or Otherwise
Legendary crooner Don Ho, who entertained tourists for decades wearing raspberry-tinted sunglasses and singing the catchy signature tune "Tiny Bubbles," has died. He was 76.

He Brought us Danny Devito and Tony Danza; He Sort of Had it Coming
Stan Daniels, an Emmy-winning TV writer and producer who worked on two of the most acclaimed comedies of the 1970s, "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "Taxi," has died. He was 72.

He Let His Fingers Do More Than the Walking
Ed Charon, 71, a Christian pastor who attracted a degree of celebrity for his record-setting ability to rip apart dozens of 1,000-page telephone books within minutes, died April 8 at a hospital near his home in Sutherlin, Ore. He had an apparent heart attack. Rev. Charon achieved his fifth Guinness World Record last year when he halved 56 Portland, Ore., phone directories in three minutes. He trained fiercely, tearing at his peak more than 100 phone books a day to stay in shape.

This year better have the best May Flowers of all time...

The Commissioner's Council

Sunday, April 8, 2007

TWID - Paschal Holiday Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

Rest in Peace Eddie Robinson. Lord, he was born a Grambling man... He may be dead, but these people are alive. Ladies and Gentleman, may we introduce: Health!

Ford Goes in For a Tune-up
Former first lady Betty Ford was recovering from unspecified surgery in a hospital Thursday, the office of the late President Gerald Ford said. The surgery occurred earlier in the week and she was "recovering well" at Eisenhower Medical Center, the statement said.

He Went to Sew His Royal Oats and Work at McDowells
Cambodian King Father Norodom Sihanouk returned home from China Sunday after spending nearly seven months overseas receiving routine medical treatment. Chinese doctors had advised him that he had beaten a second bout of colon cancer, but the ageing royal still suffers from a range of health problems including diabetes and high blood pressure.

"Some of you may go before I do." He Actually Said That

Mormon church President Gordon Hinckley says he's in good health, despite what he calls "rumors to the contrary." The 96-year-old Hinckley told thousands attending the church's biannual conference in Salt Lake City that "Some of you may go before I do."

Not Sick; Just Wanted a Shave, a Shower, and a Nice Suit
Sean Connery has shrugged off health-scare rumours to throw his weight behind Tartan Week. It had been wrongly claimed the veteran Bond star was ill when he didn't turn up at a Dressed to Kilt bash where he was supposed to be the guest of honour

And, Like That, Poof, He's Gone
Former World Cup winner Diego Maradona is due to leave hospital next week after 10 days of treatment for excessive alcohol consumption, a medical source said. "If all goes well he will be out next week," said Hector Pezzella, the director of the hospital where Maradona is staying.

You know him as "Boney Finger." Please give a warm welcome to... Death!

Baker Passes; Butcher and Candlestick Maker Reportedly Inconsolable
Laurie Baker, a British architect whose chance meeting with Mahatma Gandhi in the 1940s started him on a lifelong career of designing low-cost and environmentally respectful houses in India, died on April 1 at the Hamlet, a home he designed himself, in Thiruvananthapuram, the capital of the state of Kerala. He was 90.

Stingley Stung. First by Tatum, Then by Death
Darryl Stingley spent more than half his life in a wheelchair, a symbol of the violence of the NFL, where large bodies collide at high speeds on every play. He was only 26 when he clashed head-on with the Raiders' Jack Tatum during an exhibition at the Oakland Coliseum as they leaped for a pass. On Thursday, the after-effects of Stingley's grievous injury finally took his life at age 55.

St. John Dies in Storm of Brain Activity
Former Kiss guitarist Mark St. John died yesterday morning (April 5) from an apparent brain hemorrhage. He was 51.

Luigi Survives Battle with King Koopa but Dies of Old Age
Film-maker Luigi Comencini, one of the fathers of the popular comedy genre that marked the golden age of Italian postwar cinema, died on Friday aged 90, officials said.

TWID walked through the Sea of Reeds and got some water in our nose. We're okay, thanks for asking.

The Commissioner's Council

Monday, April 2, 2007

TWID - April Fool's Edition

Death Pool 2007 has concluded it's first annual March of the Living. And what a trip it has been. That's right, one month; zero deaths. For those scoring at home - it's March 1, Death 0. On to the highlights...

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

Now, a little Health for you...

I Hope He is Also Being Merry, for Tomorrow He May Die
Argentine soccer hero Diego Maradona is being treated in a hospital in Buenos Aires for alcoholism and excessive eating and smoking.,CST-SPT-swire30.article

Shwe Doesn't Sway; Stands Strong and Healthy
Although he has been suffering from an undisclosed form of ill health, Than Shwe stood steady and straight for almost an hour in the glaring morning sun as he spoke to about 500 invited dignitaries, diplomats and journalists.

Brooke Astor Turns 105; Sleeps in Room Filled with Cotton Balls
"It is an amazing event," Mr. Kissinger said of Mrs. Astor's birthday. Over all, he said, "the major objective right now is to make sure that she is as comfortable as possible."

In the spirit of the Ten Plagues, some Death...

He Was an Expert in Baseball and Carneal Knowledge
Hall of Fame broadcaster Herb Carneal, whose fluid and smooth baritone narrated Minnesota Twins games for the past 45 seasons, died Sunday morning of congestive heart failure.

Coleman Takes on New Persona as "Jewish Dead Guy"
Abe Coleman, 101, a Polish-born professional wrestler promoted as the "Hebrew Hercules" and "Jewish Tarzan" and credited in the 1930s with popularizing the drop-kick move, likened to a flying kick in the jaw, died March 28.

And the Heels Lost in the Tournament; Terrible Week for Ray.
Jason Ray, a North Carolina student who performed as a mascot for the school's basketball team, died three days after being struck by a car hours before an NCAA Tournament game. He was 21.

A Happy Passover to All. And in "kol dichfin yeysay v'yachol" style, All who are healthy, let them come and die.

We Remain,
The Commissioner's Council