Tuesday, May 29, 2007

TWID- Memorial Day Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor. Stay tuned for this week's Special Feature: Top 5 death pool squads found at the bottom of TWID!

Goodbye Charles Nelson Reilly. Hello Twenty Points for the Ex-Parrots. We will never forget your
persona as a wacky game show panelist and talk show guest. Your humor slayed us.

But there is health to deal with. And when there's a health, there's a TWID.

Hello... Newman. Organic Foods Welcomes Paul to Second Career
That iconic face on the bottles of organic dressings, popcorn, sauces and other items that grace the Newman's Own product line is resting a little easier these days. Actor Paul Newman has announced that he is leaving the Hollywood scene to focus on his life as an organic entrepreneur. Newman said that because he's no longer at the top of the game with acting, he's more than happy to leave it behind to focus on other projects.

Shimon Spends One Night in Peres' Hospital Room. Night Vision Said to be Distracting
Sonia Peres' condition has improved, she regained consciousness and was taken off the respirator, the Sheba Medical Center in Tel Hashomer reported Friday.The son added that his father had spent the night at the hospital until Sonia's exact condition was made clear. "He is in touch with us the entire time and is worried about her."

Castro back to Eating Food. His Illness Stemmed from Hanging with Nicole Richie
Cuban leader Fidel Castro has yet to appear in public since falling ill last July. But this week he ended a long silence about his health, issuing a signed statement late Wednesday saying he was eating solid foods and had regained weight.

Kevorkian Back to Cavorting. It's a World Wide Suicide.
For nearly a decade, Dr. Jack Kevorkian waged a defiant campaign to help other people kill themselves. The retired pathologist left bodies at hospital emergency rooms and motels and videotaped a death that was broadcast on CBS' "60 Minutes." His actions prompted battles over assisted suicide in many states.

Death is a part of life. And TWID...

Kaiser was on a Roll but was Tripped up by Pneumonia
Philip M. Kaiser, a former ambassador to Austria, Hungary and Senegal who during the Cuban Missile Crisis acted to deny the Soviet Union landing rights at airports where its planes might refuel, died Thursday. He was 93. Kaiser died of aspiration pneumonia at Sibley Hospital in Washington, his family said. He had been admitted three days earlier.

Chaney, Civil Rights Activist, Never Shot Anyone in the Face
Fannie Lee Chaney, a $28-a-week bakery worker who became a target of racial hatred herself after her son James Chaney and two other civil rights workers were killed by the Ku Klux Klan in Mississippi during the Freedom Summer of 1964, died on Tuesday in Willingboro, N.J. She was 84.

Why do Bad Things Happen to Good Porters?
Howard Porter had recovered from drug addiction and failed NBA dreams to become a mentor to young players and source of hope for troubled adults in the Twin Cities. His inspirational life ended with a mysterious death. A week after he was found severely beaten in an alley, Porter, one of the best basketball players in Villanova history, died Saturday night. He was 58.

Beck was a Loser, Baby, so Cancer Killed Him
James Beck, a Columbia University art historian who became well known as a critic of what he viewed as the ruinous conservation of world masterpieces, including Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling, died on Saturday in Manhattan. He was 77. The cause was cancer, according to Columbia's department of art history and archaeology.

As promised, THE TOP FIVE

  1. El Esta Adead, 51 points (4 deaths)
  2. Yiz-Score, 50 points (3 deaths)
  3. Die Hard, 46 points (3 deaths)
  4. The Ex-Parrots , 43.5 points (4 deaths)
  5. Av S. is My Hero, 41 points (3 deaths)

And of course, in the Memorial Day Edition, we remember all the soldiers that have died protecting this country. If TWID could write a headline for each of them, it would.

The Commissioner's Council

Monday, May 21, 2007

TWID- Subway Series Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

Health is a wonderful thing, Health is a really cool thing, so get off your elth, let's do some health, health, health, health, health, heeeeeeealth.

Leaky Fawcett; Cancer Drips back After Three Months
Actress Farrah Fawcett has confirmed that doctors in Los Angeles have found another malignant polyp in the same area she had rectal cancer. The new cancer was found just three months after Fawcett was given the all clear, but luckily the cancer has not spread, said "Chasing Farrah" executive producer Craig Nevius.

His Illness Flails About as if Independent from his Body
Multi-Millionaire dancer Michael Flatley has been struck again by the same mystery virus that resulted in him being hospitalised last November. The Lord of The Dance creator, whose wife Niamh gave birth to their first child three weeks ago, is back on heavy medication but is determined not to let his ill health get him down. "I just have to be patient and accept that it is a long road to recovery," he said.

Maradona Defers World Cup Tour for Alcohol Cup Pour
The tour of Asia that Diego Maradona was to start next week was suspended due to the treatment that the former Argentine football star is undergoing to overcome his addiction to alcohol. Officials at the Thai Embassy in Buenos Aires told the news agency Telam on Monday that the trip to Indonesia, Vietnam, Singapore and Thailand will probably take place in late June.

Terkel Turns 95, Remains Stud
American original Studs Terkel, the author and oral historian who for decades gave a voice to working men and women, turned 95 Wednesday. But don't worry about his memory. He's sharp as a tack. In fact, he's the one doing the worrying -- about what he describes as the memory loss of a country he suggests may be more interested in the transgressions of celebrities than more substantive affairs such as the politics of the Bush administration, which he characterizes as a "burlesque show."

That's right, I was testing you.... its death. And that's a magic number...

Tinky Winky Confirms Fallwell was in to Hurly-Burly
The Rev. Jerry Fallwell, the fundamentalist preacher who founded the Moral Majority and brought the language and passions of religious conservatives into the hurly-burly of American politics, died yesterday in Lynchburg, Va. He was 73.

Remains to be Seen Whether Heaven Left a Light on for Him
William Becker, who after enduring rundown, though not particularly cheap, motel rooms on a cross-country trip in 1960 got the idea for the Motel 6 chain, charging $6 a night for a spare but clean room, died April 2 at his ranch outside Kingman, Ariz. He was 85.

King Enters Long Slumber, No Word on Ability to "Having a Dream"
Yolanda King, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s eldest child who pursued her father's dream of racial harmony through drama and motivational speaking, collapsed and died. She was 51. The family did not know the cause of death, but relatives think it might have been a heart problem, he said.

"Am I Crazy or is that a Lot of Siblings? That's a Lot of Siblings."
Terry Ryan, author of the bestselling book, "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio: How My Mother Raised 10 Kids on 25 Words or Less," died Wednesday at her home in San Francisco. She was 60. The cause of death was cancer, according to Pat Holt, her partner of nearly a quarter-century. She is survived by her nine siblings and their children.

There's no way you can stop... the School of Death!

The Commissioner's Council

Monday, May 14, 2007

TWID - Mother's Day Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

Mother's nurture you, so in their honor, we start this week with- Health!

Tammy Faye is Half-Bakked; Matter of Time
Tammy Faye Bakker, the disgraced televangelist whose reputations was rehabilitated, has penned a goodbye letter to her fans in which she says doctors have stopped treating her cancer. "The doctors have stopped trying to treat the cancer and so now it's up to God and my faith. And that's enough! But please continue to pray for the pain and sick stomach."

Surprisingly, no Chapter Titled "Prepare a Death Pool Notice"
At age 90, actor Kirk Douglas has written his ninth, and he swears, final book. Featuring chapters like "Thinking About Death," "Dealing With Death," "Almost Dying," "Reading Obituaries" and "Sunset," the book is called, "Let's Face it."

Diego, It Wasn't Us, We Promise You Have Been in our 'Health' Section Only
Argentine football hero Diego Maradona has vowed to get healthy after a stint in hospital suffering from alcohol-induced hepatitis. In a live televised interview, he also vowed to find out who spread the rumour that he had died while he was in treatment.

Huanging On: What is the Secret of the Ju's Longevity?
The Chinese government on Wednesday denied media reports that Vice Premier Huang Ju, one of the nine most powerful men in the Communist Party hierarchy, had died. "It is our understanding that news regarding comrade Huang Ju's death is totally unfounded," an official with the cabinet spokesman's office said by telephone.

Look Who Knows so Much. It just so Happens that Your Friend here is only Mostly Dead.
I believe Castro's masterminding his own slow fade. Of course Castro, a politician without parallel in recent history, may be dead already. Or not. In any case, we may not know when he actually does pass. Castro is likely using his death to his advantage: his final political gambit.

And then there was death...

Mendel Claims he Ordered a Zima, not Emphysema
Former U.S. Rep. Mendel J. Davis, who represented South Carolina's 1st District for nearly a decade during the 1970s, died Sunday. He was 64.Davis, the last Democrat to win the district that covers much of the coast, died of complications from emphysema.

You're Right James Prince, it is Real Sad
Former two-division world champion Diego "Chico" Corrales, who lived as hard as he fought, died in a motorcycle crash Monday night in Las Vegas. "He crashed on a motorcycle. It don't look like he made it through this," manager James Prince told ESPN.com as he was arriving on the scene. "He's dead. It's real sad."

Harrington Scared to Death; Takes Final Curtis-y
Curtis Harrington, who dived under his seat while watching his first horror film as a child, then went on to be a filmmaker known for his elegant, edgy cinematic forays into the macabre, died on Sunday at his home in the Hollywood Hills section of Los Angeles. He was 80.

Comonna Wanna Layou to Rest
King Malietoa Tanumafili II, one of the world's longest reigning monarchs, has died at a hospital in Samoa. He was 94. Malietoa Tanumafili had sat on the Samoan throne since the country gained independence from New Zealand in 1962.

Prostate Cancer killed Yahweh who Killed the Angel of Death... Chad Gadya, Chad Gaaaaadya
Former cult leader Yahweh Ben Yahweh, who was linked to nearly two dozen gruesome killings in the 1980s and said to have ordered victims' ears cut off as proof they were killed, has died. Yahweh, who had been fighting prostate cancer, died in his sleep Monday night, attorney Jayne Weintraub said.

That's all for TWID. "Because living is good, and dying... not as good"

The Commissioner's Council

Monday, May 7, 2007

TWID - Cinco De Mayo Edition

This Week in Death brings you: Notes from around the pool! We already stuck our toe in and the water is perfect... So come on in as we take you from the shallow to the deep end, and catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor.

We say goodbye to Tom Poston. We will always remember the time you sold a half a million break pads. But we solider on. Tom wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

In the beginning, God created health...

Johnson Pumped Up About Return
Sen. Tim Johnson returned to his residence outside Washington Friday, more than four months after he suffered a brain hemorrhage. Johnson since February has been receiving treatment at the National Rehabilitation Hospital in Washington. The attending physician at the hospital, Dr. Michael Yochelson, said Johnson continues to show significant progress.

Mayday! Mayday! No Castro Sighting at May Day
Tuesday marked just the third time since leading the Cuban revolution in 1959 that Castro missed May Day, the country's International Worker's day festivities. Nine months without any public appearances has many of his supporters worried about his condition.

He's About One More Hospital Stay from "Thanks for Stopping by , Diego"
Argentine football legend Diego Maradona will enter a Buenos Aires mental health clinic for 13 days for treatment for alcohol abuse, his personal doctor Alfredo Cahe said on Thursday.Former Argentine captain Maradona, who has struggled with cocaine and alcohol abuse for years, was hospitalised for 22 days in April suffering from hepatitis linked to heavy drinking.

A week later, there was death...

Goat Wife Dies; Jim Breuer Sa-aaaa-dened
The best-known goat in Sudan has died months after being "married" to a man in the South Sudan capital, Juba, the BBC has learned. Local elders ordered a man found having sex with the goat, later called Rose, to "marry" her last February. Rose, black and white, is believed to have died after choking on a plastic bag she swallowed as she was eating scraps on the streets of Juba.

Boyd Brought Taste to New Generation
Edward F. Boyd, who as a young sales executive parlayed his assignment to promote Pepsi-Cola to fellow blacks into a war against white racism and black stereotypes, meanwhile selling oceans more soda, died on April 30 in Los Angeles, PepsiCo announced. He was 92.

For the Honor of Grayskull...He was Schi-Rra!
Wally Schirra, one of the original astronauts in the Mercury 7 project, died Thursday at age 84, NASA officials said. Schirra died in California, the officials said. He was the fifth American in space and the third to orbit Earth. He was the only astronaut who flew in three of the nation's pioneering space programs: Mercury, Gemini and Apollo.

"ALVIN!!!" Batiste says Ba-bye
Alvin Batiste, a widely respected jazz clarinetist, composer and educator who played across the musical spectrum, from traditional to avant-garde styles, and was a prolific figure on the jazz festival circuit, died Sunday at his home in New Orleans after an apparent heart attack. He was 74.

Me? Deathpool. You? Dead
Gordon Scott, a handsome, muscular actor who portrayed Tarzan in the 1950s, died here on Monday. He was 80. "He was an absolutely wonderful Tarzan who played the character as an intelligent and nice man who carried himself well, much as my grandfather had originally written it," Mr. Burroughs's grandson Danton Burroughs told The Baltimore Sun.

Livingly Yours,

The Commissioner's Council