This Week in Death brings you: Another week of instructional swim! No need to protest, just come on down to poolside as we review the basics of Death Pool. Feel free to review the crawl, back, breast or butterfly stroke from end to end as we catch you up on all the news you need to know to be an educated death pool competitor. And if you still need a kick board, don't be embarrassed, we'll show you how to blow bubbles in the water. General swim returns next week...
And behind every shady deal, behind every dollar earned... there was God, keeping the books. "Three deposits this week: Tammy Faye Messner, Mohammad Zahir Shah, and Rollie Stiles. Night drop, like always..." Time to get God's stuff down to laundry. They better not over-starch his shirts.
The first health is the deepest, baby I know...
He's Wanted, WAAAAAAAANTED, Dead or Alive
Osama bin Laden, like Mark Twain, may complain that rumors of his demise have been greatly exaggerated. Assuming, of course, that he is still alive. Many believe him to have died. There has been no news of bin Laden in more than a year. But a new video released over this past weekend on an Islamist Internet Web site shows the chief of al-Qaida looking very much alive, much to the delight of his supporters and to the great consternation of many others.
http://www.upi.com/Internationa
Johnson's Stroke of Genius: Return to Floor as Strom Thurmond
South Dakota Sen. Tim Johnson hopes to be back on the floor of the U.S. Senate sometime in September, former Senate Democratic leader Tom Daschle said Monday. Johnson continues his recovery from a brain hemorrhage last December that required surgery and left him with stroke-like effects. He has limited use of his right arm and hand and lingering problems with speech and walking.
http://www.rapidcityjournal
Will Willie's Weed Turn Him Into a Half Nelson?
The Red-Headed Stranger might want to change his nickname to No-Show Nelson. Willie Nelson has postponed a show at Memorial Hall that had been scheduled for Tuesday, July 31. Nelson canceled a September 2002 show in Neosho with Wynnona Judd the day before the performance. "His official story was that the cancellation was due to health reasons," said Mark Norris, one of the promoters for that show with Joplin's Access Entertainment. "Willie is happy, and he is healthy and works harder than anyone I know," Elaine Schock told CMT. "It doesn't seem unreasonable to need or want a couple of weeks off, especially when your life is planned a year in advance."
http://www.joplinglobe.com
Pan-Am Games to Fidel: "No Pills for You!"
Fidel Castro has become so glued to the television set watching the Pan American Games unfolding in Brazil that he is forgetting to take his pills. In a column published Wednesday by Cuba's Communist Party newspaper Granma, the convalescing Cuban leader said he was so engrossed with the sports that he was even forgetting to eat.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD
But when it comes to being dead, she's first. That's how I know....
Despite All Her Age, She Still Worked with Rats in a Cage
Anne McLaren, a leading developmental biologist and expert on the embryo who in the 1950s conducted experiments on mice that were important in the development of human in vitro fertilization, died on July 7 in Britain. She was 80. Throughout her career, Dr. McLaren delved ever deeper into biological as well as ethical questions of reproduction and what she termed "everything involved in getting from one generation to the next."
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07
Matchbox Man Unwell from Disease; Can't Avoid Bright Lights. That Must be Lonely
Jack Odell, a self-trained engineer whose daughter's mischievous habit of taking spiders to school in a matchbox prompted him to make her a tiny steamroller as a substitute — an invention that led to Matchbox Toys, maker of 3 billion Lilliputian vehicles in 12,000 models — died on July 7 in London. He was 87.By 1962, he told The New York Times in an interview, Matchbox was knocking out a million toy automobiles a week, more than the number of real ones made by all the world's major automakers combined. "In my obituary," Mr. Odell said in 1969 as quoted by The Daily Telegraph, "I want it said I was a damn good engineer."
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07
The Graff Clearly Shows Her Performance is Dying
M. M. Graff, a self-trained master gardener who became a New York legend by nudging, nagging and scolding — but seldom sweet-talking — in her crusade to improve the city parks she loved almost as much as she loathed her given name, Mildred, died at her home in Brooklyn on July 9. She was 97.In an interview with The New York Times Magazine in 1967, Ms. Graff did concede that a garden might not have to be perfect to be nice. She quickly added, "It just does for me."
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07
Everything Comes Down to Pooh
Shirley Slesinger Lasswell, who licensed rights to the Winnie the Pooh characters to Walt Disney in 1961, then later sued the company over disputed royalties, died Thursday. She was 84. She had been working on developing Pooh for television when she met Walt Disney, who wanted to create TV shows for the characters. She licensed Pooh to Disney in 1961. In 1991, Stephen Slesinger Inc. sued Disney, alleging the company miscalculated royalties due under that deal.
http://www.iht.com/articles/ap
When The Other Guy called him the Other Guy, Well, That was the Straw that broke the Tenor's Head
The American operatic tenor Jerry Hadley noted for his bright lyric voice, lively acting and adventurous choice of repertory, died today in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. He was 55. Friends and colleagues said Mr. Hadley had suffered from severe depression and had had financial difficulties, troubled personal relationships and professional setbacks. He had been on life support at a Poughkeepsie hospital since July 10, when he shot himself in the head with an air rifle, causing severe brain damage, at a house in Clinton Corners, N.Y.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07
Back by popular demand, t he Commissioner's Council proudly brings you "Skinny Dipping," a weekly glance at some of the goings-on in the Pool. Columns will feature a more in-depth look at some of the squads and picks. To comment on this feature, or suggest an idea for "Skinny Dipping," feel free to send an email our way.
Surely you've noticed that after today, 204 days will have passed in the year, and assuming everybody else in the Pool survives the day (though there are certainly no guarantees - it's been busy around these parts the last few days!) the total number of point-scoring deaths to this point will be 26. 283 names were picked at the start of the year, meaning 9% of the Pool has passed on. At any rate, when the year began, the question was asked, "what would happen if every one of the 283 died? All points are awarded. Who would win?" The answer is Yiz-Score would, with 321.8 points, in no small part due to 11 solo shots. Behind Yiz-Score would be The Tomb Raiders (317.3), and rounding out the top 5, Beating a Dead Horse (298.6), The Rev. Isaac Bruce (293.8), and Acharei Mos Kedoshim Emor (291.6). These 5 are the leaders in the "maximum points potential category," meaning that they have the potential to score more points than than anyone else. How are they actually doing? Well, Yiz-Score is in 3rd, and Beating a Dead Horse is doing alright. Meanwhile, despite their huge potential point totals, the other three make up 50% of the teams stuck at zero. Guess Professor Dumbledore was right: It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
Another week, another adjustment!... With a 20-point solo shot, Kraut's Picks knocks Go to Hell out of the Top 5 after a mere one-week stay. Sorry, Go to Hell. We hope your next visit to the Top 5 is long enough to allow you to unpack.
1. El Esta Adead - 66 points (5 deaths)
2. The Ex-Parrots - 58.5 points (5 deaths)
3. Yiz-score - 54.3 points (4 deaths)
4. Die Hard - 46 points (3 deaths)
5. Kraut's Picks - 44.8 points (5 deaths)
Don't let the heat drag you down, cool down with a dip in the death pool... an instructional dip, of course.
The Commissioner's Council
Monday, July 23, 2007
TWID - Cleveland Day Edition
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