Wednesday, January 9, 2008

If Britney Spears is in Rehab... Does that mean Amy Winehouse is a Slave 4 Me?

God, I hope not. I really hope not. That would be the worst slavery since, um, America. Plus, I wouldn't want New Jersey to have to issue another statement.

There are two people this year selected under the Anna Nicole Smith Corollary, and as you may have guessed from the headline, they are Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.

The average age of people picked in this year's deathpool is 79.625 years of age. Spears and Winehouse are 26 and 24, respectively. Why pick them, then? The Anna Nicole Smith Corollary. The ANS (Anna Nicole Smith) Corollary states that when a star's life is spiraling out of control, s/he is often as safe a pick as an elderly selection.

Is there a better chance of Dick Clark dropping like the New Year's ball or of Britney Spears needing her stomach pumped worse than Penny Lane at the end of "Almost Famous?" Was it so obvious that Betty Ford would die before Amy Winehouse stepped into her rehab facility? Which came first- the chicken or the egg? Some questions are not meant to be answered...


2008 certainly is not the first time someone has been picked based on the ANS Corollary. In 2007, when the ANS Corollary was officially titled, the following people all took up roster spots:

  1. Maurice Clarett
  2. Nicole Richie
  3. Jayceon "The Game" Taylor

In 2006, ANS Corollary picks included:
  1. Courtney Love
  2. Kate Moss
  3. Mary-Kate Olsen
And this year, the ANS Corollary poster children are Winehouse and Spears. So... are they caught in the spiral or somehow standing in the eye of the tornado? Unsurprisingly, they are as swept up as Dorothy. They, too, may be headed to the Emerald City.

Winehouse is still saying "No, no, no" to rehab:
Amy Winehouse reportedly shocked passengers at Gatwick airport when she was violently sick after a champagne binge. "Amy didn't waste any time getting stuck into the free booze. She wasn't looking well, but that didn't stop her guzzling the bubbly. She was sitting down, and just erupted vomit on the carpet," an onlooker told the London Lite.
I know... I know... you're worried. But it's okay. She was still able to board the plane to spend a few days in the Carribean with her ex-boyfriend while her husband (Blake Fielder-Civil, on "the Garden of eden's" roster, and a ANS Corollary role model in his own right) is in prison. There is little as heartwarming as a happy ending...

The spiral continues for Spears, as well. Spears, who is in danger of losing custody of her children, at least has her whole life in perspective:
“Those boys are her everything, and she’s said repeatedly that life isn’t worth living if she can’t have her babies with her,” says the friend.
Why continue performing, then? I am glad you asked:
“The only reason she’s doing this is because she wants them to look up to her onstage and be like, ‘That’s my mama,’ and be proud of her. She’d put her life before them and die for Jayden and Preston. They’re her whole world.”
I know I would be proud of my mom for "Gimme Gimme." Oh, and by "proud" I mean "irreversibly scarred for life and in need of continuous therapy."

Well, "Angelos or Bust" and "It's Always Sunny in Philadeadphia" have staked some hopes to the circuity of Spears and Winehouse's Spirals. But they are not the only ones. There is a website where you can bet on when Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse will die. And you can win prizes!:
When is Britney Going to Die?
“We’ll all have a date with our maker someday, but like Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears just can’t seem to wait.
A couple of years ago she looks stunning and was a wet dream for every man. But for some reason Britney also landed in a self-destruction derby.
Guess her final breath and be crowned Mr. Or Mrs. Death. Winner will be rewarded with a PS3.”
PS3? Please. Do it here and win the coveted Death Cup.


1 comment:

abie said...

If I win the death cup anyone with a PS3 should be aware that i am open to exchanges